just jokes

Two Bear Hunters

Two men went out bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little fasted and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while i go get another one!"



Purchasing a turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



For weeks, a 6 year old boy kept telling his first grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"



On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"



There was a guy who went fishing every Saturday without fail. Up before the sun was out and on the lake. This one particular Saturday it was too cold, wet and miserable even for this die hard fisherman, so he went home, undressed and climbed in bed behind his wife to cuddle. He said, "Honey the weather is just terrible out there today."
She giggled and said, "I know, and my stupid husband went fishing."



A boy was sitting in his first grade class where the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
The boy raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and mother she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to each buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or there's Michael; he's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."



A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say the he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, " Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."



Rabbit Test

The LAPD, FBI and CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Tiger painting

Bee takes over

This last January I was in my own place for the first time. It was pretty lonely. I thought about getting a cat but wasn't sure I wanted the responsibility. We have a resident ferret at work and she needs to eat so I went to the pet store to buy her food. I blame Dr. Lewis for what happened next because if he wouldn't have let me go there on a Saturday this wouldn't have happened. I walked into the store and walked right into adoption day! I put my head down and walked very quickly to the back of the store where they keep the ferret stuff. I got what I needed and headed for the register. I only lifted my head for a second. Long enough to see a white ball of fluff in the top cage. I'm not sure why but I walked over and blew on her. She turned and looked at me with huge blue eyes. The lady behind me said, "would you like to hold her?" I said no but shook my head yes. She pulled the cat out of the cage and put her in my lap. There were a lot of people, dogs, kids, noise and all I could think of was how are we going to get this cat back when she bolts. She didn't. She just sat there purring. The lady said, "the paperwork only takes five minuets." I told her I was still on the clock and needed to get back to work. Then I filled out the paperwork and paid the fee. I told the lady I got off work at four and would be back to pick her up then. The lady said that they leave the pet store at three but I could pick my new cat up at her house when I got off. I agreed to that (like I had a choice) and bought some cat essentials and headed back to work wondering what the hell had just happened. I got off work and went to pick up my new room mate. She was good on the car ride home. I set up her litter box and let her out in the bathroom. She looked around and slowly walked around the house checking things out. I figured it would take her some time to settle in. I was wrong. She wasted no time taking over. Within a few days she had trained me to hand out treats whenever I opened the pantry. And that I was to make room for her wherever I was sitting. And that whatever pillow my head was on was meant to be shared. Bee decided she was my official food taster and tries to wedge herself between my fork and my face. Several months later I thought maybe she was lonely all day by herself while I was at work. So I got Bee a friend. Ende is big, orange and round. She has a big personality too. Bee wasted no time teaching her how things run in my house. Cats first then me. I don't feel too bad about that because I've talked to other cat owners and it seems to just be how things are everywhere. It's coming up on a year with Bee and NOTHING has changed. She is still the boss. I'm still servant and bringer of food. I'm ok with that.

milestone birthday

My birthday is coming up and somebody asked me, "is it a milestone birthday?" I said no. They said, "every year without a tombstone is a milestone!" Tooshay!

losing your senses

Awhile back a friend of mine was doing a school project where she had to ask people, "if you were going to lose one of your senses which one would it be and why?" She asked me that question and I thought about it. I asked her instead of which one I would be ok with losing could it be the one I didn't want to lose. She said no but just for laughs which one do I not want to lose and why? I said I would be ok with losing any of the senses as long as I could keep my sight. Not because I don't like walking into things, I do that just fine with my sight, but because I would miss seeing things. Let me explain a little. I have never touched, heard or smelled something (in a good way) that took my breath away. I have seen a whole lot of things that made me stop and stare. Completly engrossed in what was in front of me at the moment. God has an amazing color palette. Sunsets in Hawaii, butterflies in Pismo, nature and the look on someone's face when they are truly happy. I wouldn't trade seeing the way my sister looked on her wedding day. I think I would be ok without my sense of touch or hearing. I wouldn't mind never again hearing the yappy little dog from next door. I would miss my sense of taste but I would get used to it. I would seriously be forever depressed over the loss of my sight. I don't think that quite answered her question but that was my answer.

Helmet required

Ya know! God shows his love for me in some strange and sometimes painful ways. Maybe I should be wearing a helmet for THAT reason. Either way I'm thinking life requires a helmet. They should issue a helmet to everyone when your born because either your life will be that exciting or it's going to hurt. I think it's a lot of both. My helmet would be sparkly green with purple letters spelling out my name. And just for the heck of it I'd add a tiger sticker on the front and a smiley face on the back. Just to be safe I'd also like a face guard and hockey pads. Because you just never know. The more beat up your helmet the more you know God likes you and you are having a life worth writing about.

God likes me

They tell little girls that when a boy picks on you it's cause he really likes you. I'm not sure if it is, but if it is true then God REALLY likes me! Yesterday I had a migraine and needed to go to the doctor for a shot. I left work and went home to wait for my grandma to give me a ride. While I was waiting my cat Ende came over to push her way onto my lap. This is something she normally does but today she threw up all over my pants and the floor at my feet. The smell normally wouldn't have bothered me but I had a migraine so it made me sick too. I was still gagging as I was scrubbing the carpet and I thought to myself, "my cat sure doesn't chew her food very well." My grandma showed up just as I was finishing. She drove me to the doctor and still had her sunglasses on in the waiting room. When I pointed this out she told me she had just come from the eye doctor and had a laser procedure done on one of her eyes so she had to leave them on. Hmmm. I looked around the waiting room and right across the room from me was a man who was trying his best to hack up a lung. Probably his left one. What made this funny was that he was sitting under a sign that read, "cover your cough. Masks available at the front desk." He was not wearing a mask. The other person was a lady who was drooling on herself and laughing. She seemed to be having a good time. I was thinking about my sister wearing her helmet to her bachelorette party because she wanted it to be that much fun and I was wanting to start wearing a helmet daily because I wanted my life to be that much fun that a helmet was required. Turns out had I been wearing a helmet I would have fit right in here. I was waiting for my shot from 11:45-2:00. I hat the doctors office. It smells. I get my shot FINALLY! and my grandma drove me home where I passed out for the rest of the day. I felt as though God was taking time out of his day just to mess with me for his own amusement. That's when me and Denise decided that if he wasn't picking on me that would mean he didn't care. He was definitely picking on me so I must be one of his favorite people and that's a comforting thought.
Today God showed his love for me again. Denise sent me to pick up a vaccine for one of the orang kids. The vaccine was at a pediatrician's office. They have the worst parking lot ever and it's always full. It took me 10 minuets to find a space. There were two spaces open so I parked in the one that wasn't full of shattered glass. I went in and told them why I was there and the lady told me to have a seat on the bench and they would bring it right to me. 10 minuets later they brought out the vaccine and I walked to my car. Where are my keys? In my car. Door locked. God loves me. This was not the first time I had locked my keys in the car and after the last time my grandpa had hid a key up under the car so I wouldn't have to call for help and wait. I got down on the ground, in the broken glass, and began looking for my spare key. My grandpa never does anything half ass. This includes securing the key. It took me forever to get it off. I finally did and was able to open my car and get back to work. I am a great source of joy for the people around me. God picks on me because he likes me.

zephyrr33's photostream

zephyrr33's photostream on Flickr.

Dale & Morato

families are odd

We didn't go to too many family reunions. I'm not sure why. The one I do remember was held in Yosemite. We went to that one because it was also my great grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. My great aunt was coming in from Pennsylvaina. We all had cabins to share. Everyone kinda did their own thing then we would meet up for dinner. I don't remember all of it but I do remember there was a guy no one was related to making chicken on the bbq. He would lick his finger then put it on a chicken. He kept doing that until he had touched them all then started over. We all made a mental note to not eat the chicken. Happily mom had planned on something like that and brought two ice chests. One had food and the other was full of beer (to help deal with the family :)) Me and my sister were going to go into our room but there was a kid we didn't know who wouldn't let us in. We told mom and she went to investigate. The unknown child put his arms out across the door looked up at mom and said, "You can't go in there!" "The hell I can't!" She then picked the child up by his shirt and kind of tossed him aside. She entered the room to find another unkown child making mud pies in our bathroom sink. Our cousins (they are about mom's age) came in and took our beer chest. Mom yelled at them and they brought it back in but it was too late. Mom grabbed her hair dryer and marched out onto the cabins porch that over looked the camp site. She raised the dryer up like a sword and announced to the whole camp, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" She went on a rant about how she didn't really like the people in attendance with the exeption of a few and how they "can just save your stamp because I'm NEVER coming to one of these EVER again!" Uncle Tom seconded that. She ended by yelling, "KIDS, GET YOUR SHIT AND GET IN THE CAR! WE ARE LEAVING RIGHT NOW!" My grandpa was sitting in the back with dad. He turned to dad and said almost in a panic, "Don't leave me Rick!" Dad said, "When Tam says it's time to go, it's time to go." And just like that we left.

Things my parents taught me

-A parents love is conditional.
-If people can hurt someone else by hurting you, they'll do it.
-Misery loves company.
-Karma is an evil bitch.
-Divorces are messy.
-You have to make yourself happy and your ex miserable.
-You can be replaced with a step child.
-Your parents will lie to you.
-Everyone is out for themselves.
-You will have good times and they will out weigh the bad.
-You can always count on the rest of your family for love and support.
-Learn early to laugh at youself and do it often...because you will fall down.
-Treasure the happy memories.
-Try to hang on to your childish enthusiasm.
-Listen to what people are saying and do what you want anyways.
-Love yourself even when it feels like no one else does because you are wrong. They do.
-When you do fall, your family will be there to laugh at you but they will also help you up.
-Jill is the coolest person you will ever know (ok. I thaught myself that one).
-Animals will keep you young.
-Camping is more fun when you can watch someone else try to put the tent up.
-The food is great and you're too fat.
-Make Disney villians your role models and you should be ok.
-Being a zoo keeper is embarassing for us and when people ask what you do, we will lie and make you seem better than you actually are.
-Appearance is everything so fake it.

Remembering mom how I want to

My mom, Tammy, had a lot of different names. To dad she was Sweet T or Hunners. To me and my brother she was mom, mother dearest, mummykins. And after she was diagnosed with cancer she became Super T. She was not perfect but she was my best friend. She was my teacher. She taught me to bake and cook edible food that people actually like. She taught me to drive a stick shift. A 1976 vw bug. She had a lot of patience. So when I magically hit the gas, break and clutch all at the same and the car jumpped 3 feet and died and my sister who was in back ended up in the front she did not yell. When I jumped out of the car and took off running, she did not laugh. She got me to get back in the car and had me keep at it till she was comfortable if she turned me lose I would not kill anyone. She reluctantly accepted my love for animals and tolerated the numerous dogs, cats, snakes, rats, fish, hampsters, frogs, bunnies and even a pot bellied pig that I brought home.
She was always put together. Her make-up, hair and nails were always done. Always dressed flawlessly. She was fun and loved to laugh (mostly at me). She was strong (tough as nails) and by no means a quitter. She had a classic Italian temper. She was a fighter. My mom. She's tough stuff. She would tell me "We just got to get through this Belle. We can fall apart later." No matter how bad things got we always found a reason to laugh...
I miss my mom.

stinging nettles

Grandpa was one of my people. He's been in heaven for awhile now but he's still one of my favorite people. I have only happy memories of Grandpa. He was a creative man who believed in hard work and child labor. Me and my sister Jill LOVED to play in the orchard. And there is nothing as good as fruit straight from the tree. It was right next to the pasture and full of friut trees. Back then it looked huge and we would be in there playing for hours and hours. Sometimes we would hide in there, and  throw apples at passing cars until one stopped, then we would run like mad to the safety of the grain silo. Somtimes we would pick all the fruit we could reach and throw that to the cows. Grandpa would come out and give us mad eyes, "you arn't picking those apples off the tree are you?" I'm sure he already knew the answer but we thought we were smart so we would lie. "No Grandpa! These were all on the ground!" Nevermind the bottom of the tree had been striped bare of all the fruit.
The only down side of playing in the orchard was it had a lot of stinging nettles. They grew in there like crazy. Grandpa had little rakes that were our size and he would tell us, "if you want to play in there you have to rake all the nettles." So with rakes in hand we would go out and spend hours (we were five) raking the nettles out of the orchard. When we were done we would have a little tea party and eat pomaganets till it got dark. We would go to Grandma itching at the end of the day. We were covered in welts that required iodine because we wern't smart enough to put on long pants. While Grandma was making sure we were sufficantly coated Grandpa would just sit there and smile. No apples were thrown at passing cars or cows and he got the orchard de-nettled for free. The man was brilliant!

this has another use

I worked for Costco for about 5 years. I didn't enjoy it. Too much people time for my taste. I did like some of the people I worked with though. Tim was a manager on the front (where the reegisters are). I was working a late shift with Tim and the front needed to be swept. I believed this task to be beneth me so when he told me to do it I pretended not to hear. Tim, being a good manager, decided to help me get past the idea I was in charge. He went to the store room and came back with a broom. I looked at him and went back to what I was doing. Tim pushed the broom in my direction and told me "I know you normally ride these to work but they do have another purpose. If you hold it like this and push, it will pick up dirt and trash and whatever. What YOU are going to do is walk all around the registers pushing this broom till I tell you to stop." I was shocked! A broom has another use?! Who knew! I still to this day can't believe it.

I'm wearing a helmet

My sister wore a helmet to her bachalorette party. She said she wanted her party to be that much fun. I decided I'm going to start wearing everyday. I want to start everyday thinking "my life is so exciting a helmet is required!" That would be good. :)

My flaws are fabulous! -Dove

Cat Haven's Great

Mopping is not something I'm good at

It's my Friday. At the end of the day I mop the floor in the hospital so Denise comes into a clean floor. I filled the mop bucket and took it in through the laundry room. I started mopping down the hallway to the treatment room. I had pushed the bucket up against the wall as I was going. I put the mop into the bucket and as I put it into the ringer thingy I swiped the wall. This left a clean wet mark on the wall. My solution? Mop the wall. Two feet up and straight across. I then kept going to the treatment room. It was a nice day so I had the double doors open. As I was mopping about 10 feet away from the doors I saw a ferret kibble on the floor. I picked it up to throw it out the gapeing hole that is the double doors. The kibble was working against me. It hit the door frame and bounced back in. This made me feel stupid and unable to throw things. I picked up the kibble and put it in the trash and continued mopping. when i was finished I was pushing the mop bucket out the side door. I caught the bucket on the mat in front of the door and watched the bucket of dirty mop water dump over in slow motion. It only took seconds for me to flood the doorway. The mat was drenched. I tried to mop the water back up but I was laughing pretty hard by now and having little success. I got up as much as I could and as I was pushing the bucket over the door frame the bucket overturned again. Shit! Still laughing I tried again. Finally I got it as dry as it was going to get. I put the bucket away and texted Denise to let her know what I did and if the mat is wet tomorrow that's why. I can't mop...or throw.

Don't let your children get attached to the food!

Every spring the cows would have their calves. Being 5 years old this was the neatest thing. Grandpa let us raise one of the calves. We came up with the unique name of Buttercup and were allowed to bottle feed her. We spent our free time caring for and loving this little red calf. She was hands down the coolest thing in the world! Then one day we came home from school and ran to check on the calf we loved so much. We looked everywhere for her. We didn't notice the red on the gravel at the end of the drive way or notice the scute or the fewer number of cows in the pasture. We were about to learn the cold hard truth of how we got all that meat in the freezer. That was a very sad day. It is one of the things you would rather not learn. Me and my sister were upset for quite a while after that and sometimes to this day eating meat makes me sad. It doesn't stop me. I just think of Buttercup and the crule tricks families play on their young.

I'm vertically challenged

I'm vertically challenged. I'm used to it. Growing up it did present some problems.

When I was set to start kindergarten I was going to have to ride the bus to school. My mom helped me on with my backpack and sent me out with my sister to wait. When the bus came my sister jumped right on and went for a seat. I tried to follow her lead. I tried to step up but my backpack out weighed me and I toppled over backwards. I was stuck upside down doing my best impression of a turtle. I can still hear my mom laughing on the porch. Did the bus driver help me? NO! She to was overcome with laughter. My sister was already on the bus. She forgot all about me. I'm certain the other kids were laughing too. My cousin Lori took pitty on me and put me right side up and on the first step of the bus and wished me luck. I'm really suprised I didn't get beat up everyday for the rest of the year. Maybe I was so short the other kids just couldn't see me.

I grew up on a small ranch. Grandpa raised beef cattle. When he was out feeding the cows in the pasture he would let us come out and help...sometimes. One of these times, me and my two sisters were out playing on the manger while grandpa was putting the feed in. My sisters jumped off and back on the tractor. I fell into the center of the manger and was too short to get back out. The next thing I knew I was surrounded by giant black cow heads! They were coming at me from every side! I was terrified! I was about to be devoured by cows! Just when I thought I was a gonner and my short life flashed before my eyes, I was rescued by Grandpa! Saved! He reached right in and lifted me out. He placed me on the tractor with my sisters. Big suprise that they were laughing. In school the following year we had to write a paper on your hero. I chose Grandpa. He saved me from the cows. It sounds silly to say it out loud now but I still think of Grandpa as my hero. I'm a little wary of cows though.

At least I had fun

As far as I'm concerned, Safari West in Santa Rosa is a magical place everyone should go at least once. My mom was having to go to San Francisco every couple of weeks for her chemo and her nurse had told her about it. Mom asked if had ever heard of it and I had not. Mom and Dad decided it would be fun if one of the times they had to go up that way they would take me and my grandparents up with them and we could stay there after mom's chemo. For those who have never been to Safari West it is kind of a drive thru zoo. You pay and they put you in a safari jeep and they drive you thru the enclosures. What makes it even more fun is that you can opt to stay the night on the property in canvas safari tents and have dinner on an open patio with a fire pit over looking the animals. SO COOL! We got lost getting there because there isn't a whole lot of signage and the road is a curvy one. You have been warned. We did find it and Dad checked us in. They took us and our stuff to our tent in a jeep. All the cabins/tents over look the giraffe yard. I was in heaven. The girl who took us there explained to us that we should turn the heater on before we go to dinner and turn the ceiling fan on low to keep the heat from rising. I was thrilled! My parents and grandparents...not so much. They all looked a little scared now that I think about it. We went to dinner and had a very good time. The food was awesome. Then when it got dark they take you up to...I'm not sure if it was a very large pond or a very small lake. Anyways, They take you up to it (they give you flash lights so you can see where you're going) and they throw big chunks of raw chicken into the water. Suddenly these monster catfish (like 5 feet huge!) are fighting in the water trying to get at the chicken! It was the craziest thing. After they run out of chicken you go back down to the fire pit for hot chocolate. It was around 11pm when we got to our tent and we had our tour around 8am the next morning. We all got ready for bed (I had a bed on the floor, my parents and grandparents had twin beds) I was really very comfortable but everyone else was used to having king beds and were no longer accustom to sleeping that close to and (God forbid) touching each other! It lasted all of five minutes before my grandpa got up and announced to the tent that he can not sleep that close to my grandma and took the comforter and made a bed on the wood floor. There was a lot of giggling. I fell right to sleep listening to all the animals that were right outside. I was the only one. I was woken up every hour on the hour with my grandpa and dad taking turns calling out, "1 o'clock and alls not well!" There was a lot of giggling that night and I was the only one who got any sleep. In the morning I got up happy and ready to greet the day. I took a shower and headed down for some coffee along with my grandpa. My mom and grandma went in to assess the shower situation. I'm not going to lie. The shower is crazy small. Like you need to step out to turn around small. So they opted to not take one at all. They would rather stink. So we all had breakfast and climbed into a jeep for our tour. Me and my grandpa sat on top to get the whole experience. Some of the hills are a little steep and the road is mildly bumpy. It's kind of like the ride at Disneyland only better. I was all "Woohoo! This is great!" Everyone else was acting like they were in mortal danger. Once the ride was over it was time to pack up and go home. I couldn't wait to tell everyone at work how amazing it was. My parents were hoping I would never ask to go again. I've been back twice and it was just as much fun then. It was the last trip I would get to take with my mom. Our trip was in October and she died in January but it is a good memory. :)

My mom told me not to talk to strangers

I've always been painfully shy. There are some who would argue that fact but it's true.
Everybodys parents, when they're young, tell them not to talk to strangers. "If you do you might get stolen...or worse!" My mom always followed that by saying once they got me and had to listen to my mouth they would bring me right back. I took that to be the truth...not so much the "they'd bring me back" part but I was certain some crazy creepy person would take me somewhere I didn't know anyone and leave me there. That thought scared me more than getting murdered. I carry that fear to this day. When I was 21 I had to go to the DMV. I had an appointment but it was still a wait. I took my seat in the back away from everyone until a elderly lady sat down next to me. I felt myself cringe because even though she wasn't touching me she was still, as far as I was concerned, in my personal space. I avoided eye contact and prayed they would call my number. The lady turned to me and said "Hi. Have you been hear long?" I didn't even think about saying it but it came out anyways, "My mom told me not to speak to strangers." The lady looked shocked, like I had just slapped her, and turned to talk to the man on the other side of her who was laughing. In my defense, she did look pretty strange.

NO MONKEYS!

Turns out the lab is picky. If you submit something for necropsy it needs to be done right. Samples may be submitted as tissues in a jar or whole body. Except with primates. They don't take whole bodies of primates due to cooties. I found this out when I had to drop one off. The receiving girl must have been new or just felt sorry for me because she accepted it. As I was leaving a very scary woman with stringy grey hair ran out after me yelling "GET BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR MONKEY WITH YOU!" So I did just that. NO monkeys accepted at the lab! Check!

Airport runs

Sometimes in my job it is requested that I take animals to the airport to be shipped to other zoos. I actually like doing this. It's a nice change from the day to day stuff. As with anything I do, sometimes it doesn't always go smoothly. I took a king vulture to the airport once. They had put her in the crate the night before on account that I needed to take her to be dropped off at the butt crack of dark. Vultures have this annoying habit of regurgitating whatever they ate last as kind of a defence. I think they do it to be mean. I think this because we had a turkey vulture that would do it every time I came around and his aim was pretty good. No matter what you do you can't get that smell out. Ever! This king vulture did her little regurge sometime between the time she was crated and when I came to get her. The whole hospital smelled like vulture vomit! I loaded her into the van and took her on the long drive to the airport. It was cold outside I had forgot my sweatshirt and the van heater didn't work. Thinking about it, the heater not working may have been a blessing. If I had turned it on it might have made the smell much worse. I spent hours driving to our destination gagging from the smell. When I got to the airport the recieveing staff looked at me like I was giving them a 3-headed monster. I apologized for the smell and tried to explain what happened to cause it. As I was driving back, still hot boxed in regurge smell (still to cold to roll down the windows) I thought, at least they have a huge open air loading dock! They could be stuck in here! As far as I know the van still smells. HAHA!


Another memorable trip to the airport was my first. I was dropping of a lemur kid going to another zoo. He was very good the whole trip. Traffic was bad but not horrific. I got to the airport loading dock and went in to give them the necassery paperwork. The lady said "what kind of animal is it?" I said "a lemur." She said "what is that?" I didn't really know what to say. As far as I was concerned a lemur is a lemur. "Well...it's a prosimian." "A what?" "Like a small lesser primate." She looked confused. She said "a monkey?" I knew monkey was a bad word to use if I wanted to get this poor little guy on his flight. So I, in a round about way, lied. "No. He looks more like a fox." "Ok. Open the kennel and let me see." "Um...I can't do that. He will run out and get away. That would be bad." "Well I need to see him." "Can you not see him thru the shade cloth?" "No. And besides I need to check the crate to see what kind of bedding you used." "They used shavings." "What kind?" "I don't know. The kind they always use. Not cedar." "Well, all you are allowed to use to ship is news paper on the bottom." "What would you like me to do? It's a little late for me to be knowing this. Am I going to need to take him all the way back and repackage him?" Long pause. "Well. I'll let it pass this time but let your people know next time I will not be able to let him be shipped." I thanked her like a million times because I had no idea how I would explain if I had to come back with the lemur. We take him out to the loading dock and hand him off to a cranky looking woman. I did not get a good feeling from her. The first lady that was helping was now being super nice. She tells the second lady "Look! It's a lemur!" :) The second lady says "A what?" "A lemur. It looks like a fox." "I need to see inside." I inform her that is not possible. "The lemur will get out." She says to me "Well how do I know you haven't strapped a bomb to the top of the inside of the kennel and are just SAYING you are sending a fox animal to get it on the plane?" Now I'm thinking to myself "I wouldn't sacrifice an animal to blow up a plane! I'm a zoo keeper. I'd smuggle it on in like a babies diaper." (Laugh to myself). Instead I tell her "I wouldn't do that cause it would be wrong." The first lady assures the second that we are known shippers and have done this before. The second lady turns her back to me and whispers something to the first lady that I can't hear and turns back to me. "Wait here." They both leave. They are gone for quite awhile then the second crab apple comes back. "What is it you do for the zoo?" (I am wearing a shirt that says ZOO KEEPER on it) "I'm a zoo keeper." "Write down your name here." I do that and she takes that and the lemur paperwork and leaves again. She comes back several minuets later and tells me she will go ahead and let it go thru. I thank here and get the hell out of there before she changes her mind. Good luck little lemur fox animal. I get back to the zoo to be informed that lady number two had called the zoo to make sure I was who I said I was and that I was really supposed to be delivering an animal. Someone should have clued Lisa in because everyone else was in a meeting and unreachable. Poor Lisa had no idea where I was and that's why lady number two was looking at me like I was all kinds of shady. The lemur got to where he was going and it all worked out. Still, I kinda felt like I was on Punked or something.

Halloween treats: What to give?

I'm in my own place by myself for the first time this year and I've been thinking about what to hand out for Halloween. My sister works for a dentist and she handed out dental floss one year. I'm sure she was popular, just not in a good way. I thought I would hand out weight watcher bars but they are crazy expensive. Then I thought about handing out tooth brushes but I don't want some juvenile delinquent setting fire to my house. A friend suggested I hand out poison apples because it would be fitting of my personality but I don't think I'd like prison. Then I thought about getting a coupon book and handing out one coupon per child. Like here's a coupon for 20 cents off a box of Cheezits for you and a coupon for adult diapers for you...that probably wouldn't go over well either. My mom used to hand out the full sized candy bars. We saw a lot of the same kids multiple times. I'm pretty my broke and that is out of my budget. I thought I could just leave a thing of cheap candy out with a sign to take one but no kid ever takes just one and I don't feel like catering to the stingy. So I decided to do what would make me most happy and turn all the lights off and not answer the door at all. Sounds like a plan! :)

To see Cat Haven pics go to www.flicker.com/photos/michellebanimalcrazy. The pics are under the set "cats"

Almost 11pm and I'm not even close to being tired. Watching the Exorcism of Emily Rose. I'm sure that'll help me sleep :)

Reasons to be afraid

Today I found out...or realized I have a fear (rational or not) of used, wet, nasty, gross, laying on the floor towels. In particular ones I find on the floor of the bathroom at work! I knew it was definatly not mine and I don't feel bonded enough to anyone at work to pick it up. Not with gloves. Not with tongs. Not with a hazmat suit. I found out whos used towel it was and it became infinatly worse. My reaction served as great joy for my boss and it got me thinking about some of my other fears.

1. CLOWNS!!! Horrible Evil Bad BAD!!! When I was little my loving parents took me to the circus to traumatize their first born. The evil demented clowns were going to pick a child out of the audience to dress up and take to the dark side. My mom told the story latter that I was chosen, I think she lies and I was volunteered by my mother so she would have a story to laugh about later. Anyways, my dad carried me down to the 7th circle of Hell and attempted to hand me over like a sacrifice. I did not get on with this idea and chose instead to start screaming my head off like I was being murdered (which, as far as I was concerned that was EXACTLY what was going down). Mom said my dad was horribly embarassed (he should have been!) and the clowns didn't want any part of me. THANK GOD! So dad brought me back to the seat and they sacrificed some other poor kid. Watching Killer Clowns From Outer Space years later did not help me at all! Dumb as it may be it scared the hell out of me! Clowns are the minions of the Devil!

2. Black widow spiders. Yes. Until a few years ago one of the voices in my head had me convinced that if I dared to step on one it would roll over on its back and bite through the sole of my shoe. Leaving me to die a slow painful death.

3. Mice.  I just don't like the idea of getting bit and ending up with some nasty infection. Which WILL happen.

4. People in large groups (large being 2 or more people) This includes but is not limited to hospital tours.

5. Victoria Crown Pigeons. I'm sorry but when a bird comes in a crate plastered with warning lables on every side telling me "DANGER! DO NOT ANNOY" that is one animal I am NOT going to mess with. I have even witnessed these birds running down keepers and beating them till their wing buds were bloody. Their beady little red eyes don't make them appear friendly either.

6. Zombies. I never liked zombie movies. They seem so hopeless. Like if the whole world turned to zombies you will turn too. You are not going to get away. You're really not. They will get you . You are doomed. So I chose not to watch. Then Sarah told me to look up zombies on the CDC website and I found out they ACTUALLY have a zombie survival plan!!! OMG! The government sees zombies as a very real threat. Real enough to come up with a plan. I have seen zombie movies! It never ends well! Like I really needed another reason to lose sleep at night! Thanks a whole hell of a lot CDC!

somethin wrong here

I was sitting on the couch on my computer at 3am and thought to myself "coffee sounds good!" because that's what you need when your sleep deprived. I got up and when I came back I found my cat Bee in my spot...so I sat on the floor in front of the couch. The stealing of my seat is not a new or rear occurance in my house but I did just realize that my cats have trained me. I do not move them when they take my place, I just go sit somewhere else. Hmmmm. There was a joke at my work that I was B.O.B. (bottom of the barrel) when it came to the keeping staff. I'm thinking I'm B.O.B. at home too. That thought makes me a little sad...not sad enough to change, just enough to notice it.

"If you only knew the power of the Dark Side..." -Darth Vader

Villain's guide to better living: resume builders: this is for you James ;)

When designing your resume, you may have trouble making it sound just right. Though they use the same villainous tactics, the corporate world occasionally uses different language. This is all for public relations, of course. Some examples:

Experience

Planning a bank heist becomes "project managment skills"

Inventing a weather machine becomes "history of creating an adaptable environment"

Raising an army of the dead becomes "Knowledgeable in training coworkers"

Destroying the world becomes "Highly skilled downsizing"

Escaping from jail becomes "Ability to dispense with unwanted situations"

Blocking out the sun becomes "Deflected illumination on company practices"

Reading the Necronomicon becomes "Up to date on all current literature"

Poisioning the king becomes "Assisted in transition of former managment"

Selling your soul becomes "Strong financial sense"



When they ask why do you want to work here? Be honest: Tell them "money, power, and the chance to crush my enemies." They'll like that.

demotivators

"Laughter is the best cosmetic....so grin and wear it"-Benefit cosmetics

Happiness

Hey, it's OK...

if you're one of those people who actually like the holidays. When did we all get  so cynical, anyways?

to have a healthy fear of eyelash curlers.

if e-mail shorthand (LOL! ROTFL! IMHO!) still totally stumps you.

to only really look at pictures you're in.

not to get it right on the first, second, third or fourth try. By the fifth, however, you might want to consider a different approach.

to glance at pictures of yourself when you were 18 and think, ha! So much hotter now.

if you don't feel bad for celebs who split up. It's not as if you know them!

to go to bed before the ball drops.

to prefer the mild salsa. It's a condiment, not a personality test.

to want it the way you want it: burgers, sex, haircuts, anything.

things it's perfectly fine NOT to do

Organize your photographs. Got a sharpie? Got a box? Write "pictures" on the top and go do something fun.

Have a second date with a guy just because your friends think you should "give it a chance," when the first date already proved he's less fun than jury duty.

Repeat. As in lather, rinse and repeat.

Pretend to want to be the boss when you are extremely happy with the job you have now, thank you!

Worry about why she didn't answer your email. Maybe it got lost. Maybe she forgot. Hell, maybe she hates you. But instead of obsessing, send her another one-or, better yet give her a call-and ask what's up.

Spend even one second wondering whether your vagina is attractive enough. As far as he's concerned, if it's there, it's attractive.

Spend any amount of time pondering how things might have been. Move foward brave soldier.

Anything just "because it's always been done that way."

Karaoke.

I believe...

that the right clothes can make anyone look great.

that prayer works.

in "self" moments. Everyone needs private time.

in mac and cheese.

that when you put a smile out there, you get one back.

in eating good food. Life is to short not to!

in a sturdy bra with lots of wires and pulleys instead of a boob job.

in listening to others opinions, then doing what YOU want.

that a positive attitude will help you achieve any goal.

in hanging with silly people.

in giving compliments (it makes you feel better too!).

in treasuring anyone with a sense of humor.

that mascara is the savior of womankind.

DO be strong. DON'T be silent

Philosophy

be grateful to have been given one more day, let alone one more year. remember to dance in your night gown, sing in the shower, ride a bike, fly a kite and take the occasional wind bath in your bare skin. give those you love big kisses, huge hugs, and the words "i love you" often and always. nurture your body rather than starve your soul with fad dieting. spend time with the old and weary to better appreciate your life. remember that you are not guaranteed tomorrow and that today is as good as it gets. thank God for every thing, every day, every moment.

Wisdom

"Put blinders on to those things that conspire to hold you back, especially the one in your own head."-Meryl Streep
"One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential."-Maya Angelou

"People are unreasonable...and self-centered. Love them anyway."-Mother Teresa

"The way you treat the little people speaks volumes about your chance of sucess in life."-unknown

"The only way to end embarrassing moments? Be wildly confident."-unknown

"I think imperfections are important, just as mistakes are important. You only get to be good by making mistakes, and you only get to be real by being imperfect."-Julianne Moore

"Success is never final and failure never fatal. It's courage that counts"-George Tilton

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."-Ralph Waldo Emerson

My Fabulous Future

Scorpio: moody, stubborn, emotional manipulator

Symbol: Scorpion: just like its crusty little namesake, the human version will destroy itself trying to get revenge.

Key Phrase: "I'll get you for that."

Ruler: Pluto & Mars. Suspicious hot head. Compulsive-obsessive two-timer.

Favorite Pastime: Plotting their next move.

Favorite Book: The Klingon Guide To Mercy.

Role Model: The Masked Avenger.

Dream Job: Judge, Jury and Lord High Executioner

Element: Water: Scorpio water is a bottomless, rolling paradox. Fall in without protective armor and you'll come out a skeleton. Water signs are moody, self-destructive and manipulative, this awful bunch tries to control everyone through emotional blackmail. Water seeks not only its lowest level but yours as well. These characters will stop at nothing to find your weak spot and pick at it until you crack.

Quality: Fixed: Scorpios never forget, forgive or let go. The fixed quality is defined as stable and persistent.  Your emotions and opinions rarely change. Translation: A stubborn, exasperating bore.

100% Guilt Free Page!

Hey, it's ok...

to know 100 holiday stress-reduction techniques but still think slamming the door beats them all.

if the mere thought of seeing the whole family together sends you straight to the bottom of a bag of Cheetos.

to gawk unashamedly at celebrities, random hot men and public displays of affection.

to think there should be term limits on bossses.

to get all fancied up just for your girlfriends.

if you have caller ID just to screen your family.

to spend more on lingerie than on work clothes.

to get a little scared every time you have to stick up for yourself, no matter how much practice you have by now.

to dance around your living room and call it exercise.

to prefer blockbuster animated movies to the thinky-thinky stuff.

to drive a hard bargain.  Unless, of course, you really, really reallyreallyreally want it.

to believe the studies that say red wine is good for you, but not the ones that tell you to avoid french fries, loud music and high heels.

"With enough courage, you can do without a reputation."-Clark Gable

Live the Dream: The essential love life checklist

My dream date is a guy.
My dream date does stuff.
My dream date drives a gremlin.
My dream date treats me like a queen.
My dream date's hair is a purple mohawk.
My dream date has hair on his head.
My dream date's eyes are both working.
My dream date believes in God.
My dream date's sign is green.
My dream date calls his mother.
My dream date's idea of work is getting a pay check.
My dream date's idea of play is four square.
My dream date's idea of foreplay is twister.
My dream date dances like Nepolean Dynomite.
My dream date makes me feel stupid.
My dream date eats turkey nuts.
My dream date never pays for dinner.
My dream date loves his mother.
My dream date loves my ass.
My dream date brings out the worst in me.
My dream date is a real person.

Happiness Quickie

"Deep down, I'm pretty superficial."-Ava Gardner

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better!

How to be a villain: Making an evil plan

Stage 1:

To begin, you must first incinerate a rock star. This will cause the world to choke on their food, SHOCKED by your arrival. Who is this destroyer of all that is good and nice? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black and that gigantic silver helmet?

Stage 2:

Next, you must obliterate that opera house in Sydney. This will all be done from your underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will die in a way you just don't want to think about, as countless hordes of winged monkeys hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage 3:

Finally, you must tauntingly wave your unholy weapon, bringing about something really, really bad. Your name shall become synonymous with all that is wrong with the world, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your dashing good looks, and the world will have no choice but to elect you dictator for life.

happy fingers

Pete