WHAT?!!!!!!!

A Light In The Attic

Prayer Of The Selfish Child

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break.
So none of the other kids can use'um...
Amen.



The Meehoo With An Exactlywatt

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Me!
Me who?
That's right!
What's right?
Meehoo!
That's what I want to know!
What's what you want to know?
Me who?
Yes, exactly!
Exactly what?
Yes, I have an exactlywatt on a chain!
Exactly what on a chain?
Yes!
Yes what?
No, exactlywatt!
That's what I want to know!
I told you-exactlywatt!!
Exactly what?
Yes!
Yes what?
Yes, it's with me!
What's with you?
Exactlywatt-that's what's with me.
Me who?
Yes!
Go away!

Knock knock.....



Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk that test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nighttime Whatifs strike again!



Ticklish Tom

Did you hear 'bout Ticklish Tom?
He got tickled by his mom.
Wiggled and giggled and fell on the floor,
Laughed and rolled right out the door.
All the way to school and then
He got tickled by his friends.
Laughed till he fell off his stool,
Laughed and rolled right out of school
Down the stairs and finally stopped
Till he got tickled by a cop.
And all the more that he kept gigglin',
All the more the folks kept ticklin".
He shrieked and screamed and rolled around,
Laughed his way right out of town.
Through the country down the road,
He got tickled by a toad.
Past the mountains across the plain,
Tickled by the falling rain,
Tickled by the soft brown grass,
Tickled by the clouds that passed.
Giggling, rolling on his back
He rolled on the railroad track.
Rumble, rumble, whistle, roar-
Tom ain't ticklish anymore.



The Toad and the Kangaroo

Said the Toad to the Kangaroo,
"I can hop and so can you,
So if we marry we'll have a child
Who can jump a mountain or hop a mile
And we can call it a Toadaroo,"
Said the hopeful Toad to the Kangaroo.

Said the Kangaroo, "My dear,
What a perfectly lovely idea.
I would most gladly marry you,
But as for having a Toadaroo,
I'd rather we call it a Kangaroad,"
Said the Kangaroo to the frowning Toad.

So they argued but couldn't agree
On a Rangatoo or Kangaree
And finally the Toad said, "I don't give a dang
If it's a Rootakoad or Toadakang-
I really don't feel like marrying you!"
"Fine with me," said the Kangaroo.

And the Toad had no more to say,
And the Kangaroo just hopped away.
And they never married or had a child
That could jump a mountain or hop a mile.
What a loss-what a shame-
Just 'cause they couldn't agree on a name.

62 ways to kill Furry

1. wrap a leash around her throat and drag her behind a car going 30 mph on a gravel road
2. throw her in a vat of battery acid
3. electracute with hot wire set to Furry death
4. stuck to death by porcupines
5. incase in cement and make her part of new sea lion exhibit
6. run over w a car
7. injest poison
8. impaled by falling tree branch
9. eaten alive by fire ants
10. fall into a pit and starve to death
11. smashed flat by a bulldozer
12. zapped into dust by a laser beam
13. fall down and crack her skull on the pavement
14. ripped apart by anteaters
15. drown in the flamingo pool
16. struck by a falling meteor
17. kidnapped and killed because no one will pay the ransom
18. tied to an anchor and trown off a boat
19. trampled to death by a stampeding flock of flamingos
20. spray with silly string and set on fire
21. fall down a flight of cement stairs
22. assaulted by bears
23. thrown owt of a sleigh and into a frozen pond
24. choked on granola
25. sucked to dry by leaches
26. smothered under a rug
27. drank lye
28. beat by a gang
29. struck by an axe
30. swept out to sea
31. die of ennui
32. swallowed tacs
33. run through with an ice pick
34. sink in a swamp and eaten by gators
35. consumed by fire...yeah! I set it!
36. trampled flat by elephants
37. perish of fits
38. opened a package containing a bomb and fly into bits
39. squashed under a train
40. slip and fall down a sewer drain
41. embedded in ice and kept in the walk in freezer
42. devoured by mice
43. alcohol poisioning
44. antherax
45. bitten by spiders
46. stung by bees
47. death by industrial clothes dryer
48. fall into a rattlesnake pit
49. buried under 10 tons of sand
50. smear with honey and tie to a tree to be eaten by wild animals
51. fall into a woodchipper
52. eats magic mushrooms and runs out into the street and is run over by a bus
53. thrown out of a window
54. crushed in a garbage truck
55. death by tapeworm
56. thrown out of a roller coaster
57. killed by an enraged binturong she was trying to molest
58. chokes on edible underwear
59. struck in the head by a hocky puck
60. licking colorado toads
61. suffocated by plastic wrap
62. rabies