Follow up to the purple bikini

I broke down and bought the $60 bikini from Victoria's Secret made for those of us with a D cup. It arrived in the mail and I put it on. I don't know what they think I'll be doing that I will need this much padding or why I would need my cleavage up around my chin. I gave it some thought and came to the conclusion that this swimsuit is not actually for swimming. If I got into the water all this padding would soak up gallons of water and I would for sure die by drowning. On the up side my boobs look fantastic in my over priced glorified bra. I then called Sycamore Mineral Springs to see if I need a reservation for Monday. The very nice man told me no and that I can bring my own towel or rent one from them for $2, we can bring our own drinks and all they ask is that you not bring glass and finally (this is my favorite) CLOTHING IS OPTIONAL! Is that a joke?! All my effort into finding the perfect fitting swimsuit only to learn I don't actually need one?! Really? Well I'm wearing it now! That and I don't think I'm quite there confidence wise to be going all natural in front of...well...anyone.

How to make a Band-aid

I had a ruff day. I had taken the day off of work to sit for the vet tech test and I had been stressing it for months. Last time I missed it by 4. This time I missed it by 7! 7!!!! SERIOUSLY?!!! I was feeling really down and I was starving. I decided to make some scrambled eggs. They looked amazing! Best I ever made. Then, to the insane delight of my cats, I dropped the whole damn mess on the floor! That's right. I didn't even get a bite! I cleaned up the mess and went to lay down on the couch. I was promptly joined by furry ragamuffins. Bee got there first and curled up on my chest. Just as I was drifting off, Bee started dreaming and I was repeatedly kicked in the face. A purring cat will do wonders when you are feeling down so I let her stay. Around 5 I decided to make some cookies. I found a recipe for chocolate brandy drop cookies. I happened to have a whole bottle of brandy so I thought I'd give it a try. They turned out pretty good and had a good kick to them. I then decided to try a round of peanut butter cookies. They came out pretty good too. :) As I was cleaning up I cut the tip of my finger off. OMG! OUCH!!!! I got a paper towel and applied pressure and headed to the bathroom for a band-aid. I was bleeding bad. Blood was running down my hand and the only band-aid I could find was the size of my forehead! Why do I even have a band-aid that size?! That wasn't going to work. So being a resourceful person, I wrapped my finger in a giant wad of toilet paper and wrapped that in leopard print duct tape and went back to the kitchen for a glass of wine.

all hail the bringer of grapes!!!!

margaret gets told "NO" for the first time

The purple bikini

When I decided to go to the DR I also decided to join weight watchers so I could look amazing for my trip. When I started weight watchers I bought a purple string bikini from Victoria's secret and told myself that my goal was to fit into it by my trip. I started in May and it is now December and to date I've lost 52.6 pounds. I tought for Christmas I would go to Avila and sit in the hot springs and give my new bikini a test run. I put on the bottoms and they looked hella cute. The problem was the top. Before I gained all the weight I was a small C cup. When I gained I went up to a D cup. Problem is I have NOT lost ANY weight in my bra! A string bikini top on a D cup looks kinda...porn star! It looked like I was wearing purple triangle pasties tied together. WOW! So not cute! My sister assured me that is how it's supposed to look. I am not so sure and I am NOT going out in public looking like that! I was telling this problem to a friend of mine who found it hilarious. She explained that I was not meant to buy a swimsuit from Victoria's secret. They cater to small girls with B cup or smaller. I'm shaped more Fredrick's of Hollywood than Victoria's secret :( My friend said I'm kinda shaped like Jessica Rabbit. Thanks! She's not even real! So I got on Victoria's secret website (because where else can you get a swimsuit in December) and looked for a bikini top that would work. Turns out they have a "special" section for those of us with actual boobs. It's called "freaks with D-DD" They are made of the ugliest material (like leftover reject stuff) and it's more of a bra pretending to be a swimsuit. The damn thing has under wire! What swimsuit has that much support?! Why not just wear an actual bra?! It would be cuter for sure. And WHY if I'm already a D cup do I need push up padding in my bikini top? I know they're there. I don't need my boobs cinched up to my neck! Clearly that was an idea from a girl with an A cup. What I need is back support. Not push up. Then to add to the shame of it all they charge $45 (minimum) JUST FOR THE TOP! I'm being charged an additional fee because God has a sense of humor! There is another option Victoria's secret offers for the big busted. You can wear a one piece! And right next to all 2 of the horrible one pieces, under the title "you might also like..." are the cover ups! Because your a mess and no one wants to see that freak! This is not good for the self esteem. Maybe I should wear a cute bra and cover that up with an over sized black T-shirt. I don't really want to offend the friend I'm supposed to be going to the hot springs with looking a little like a stripper. Holy hell! Good thing I didn't just assume it would fit and not try it on! I might have lost a friend! He'd been all "NO!" Robb tried to tell me wearing something like that is completely acceptable. Yeah right! NO! I would like to now thank weight watchers for helping me get to my new stripper body of my dreams. They should put THAT on the commercial! "We can have you ready for your new career as a pole dancer in 7 months or less!" It's good to have options. And as for the hot springs with Shawn...I like being friends so maybe we will just go to the movies instead.

Painting!

Porcupine Painting

Following the thought

We were painting with the baby porcupine today. It was the cutest thing ever :) After we each claimed our paintings we had some left over. Dr Ferretti had been helping out Dr Lewis lately so I asked Denise if she could have one too. She said that would be good. Yay! I had been taking pictures while the baby was painting and I got a really good shot of him with paint all over so I thought I would print off the picture and put it in with the paintings. I went to get the photos printed after work and had some time to kill so I thought I would go over to Michael's Crafts and maybe get a cute little frame for Dr Ferretti's painting and one for mine. As I was walking into the store one of the voices in my head suggested we get a pretty little envelope to put the photo in to go with the soon to be framed painting. We unanimously agreed that was a good idea and made a bee line for the paper section. After debating over glossy vs matte and red vs blue I decided on sparkly silver. On to the frames. I had the painting with me so I started holding it up to EVERY frame they had. I didn't like one of them so I thought "maybe if I got a cute little box (like an over sized scarf box) it would be perfect." So I went over to where the gift wrap was. No small flat box that would work. Hmmm. Feeling a little defeated and not wanting to just hand Dr Ferretti a little canvas I thought I'd look around. My mom always told me presentation is everything! So just tossing the painting in a dumb little bag with some cheap tissue paper was beneath me. I found myself in the isle with the Christmas ornaments. I LOVE giving ornaments no matter the time of year. They always look cute tied to the wrapping of a gift. I didn't want to make it look holiday-ish. Just a thank you cause your awesome gift. But the glittery little snowflake was way to perfect...and it is cold outside. Now what do I tie it to? Not a gift bag! When me and mom would bake we would use baskets to hold all the baked goodness and I would attach the ornaments to the baskets. Off to the basket isle. The Christmas baskets were very cute but the snowflake was as holiday as I was willing to go. I found a square wicker basket with a little chalk board on the front. Perfect! Now I need some chalk. White or colored? Same price. Colored. The basket is too big for just the painting and the photo...I need a filler...hmmm. What would work? As I was walking around the store thinking I saw that Michael's was carrying Ghirardelli chocolate chips for the holidays. Those make good chocolate chip cookies! Mom also told me stick with what your good at and it just so happens I can bake the shit out of some chocolate chip cookies! Cookies make good fillers! That's what I should do! COOKIES! I will also need some of that scrunchy paper filler too. Having added that to my basket I thought "what should I put the cookies in?" "a tin perhaps?" I went back to the wrapping department. One of the voices in my head pointed out that a tin wouldn't fit right in the basket. Besides, all the cookie tins are holiday themed right now. That leaves cellophane treat bags. It took forever to find them amongst all the damn holiday shit. Finally found what I had in mind and it came with silver bag ties AND there were "Home Made" stickers right next to them! SCORE! But presentation is everything so I will need to be putting ribbons on the bags. On to the ribbon isle. I was trying to balance the now full basket in one arm and the painting in that hand and match ribbon colors to the painting with the other hand. People were staring. I decided on red. Red always looks good. So I checked out and headed over to pick up the photos and go home to bake. I am now very pleased with myself. My mother would be proud. :)

Huggable?

I don't think of myself as huggable. I don't try to project myself as super friendly. I don't try to put out there that, "YES! I want you to talk to me and I REALLY want to be friends!" I am my mother's daughter. She always wore black and not really a big smiler. She could silence other people's screaming children with a single look. THAT'S the power I want to have! But no matter how hard she tried to repel people they always seemed to want to be around her. This was something we never really could understand. I find myself  having the same problem. People freak me out to be honest. Especially in large groups. Last Thursday I won a coffee break from a radio station and the djs were going to deliver it to the zoo. When they did they shook everyone elses hand but ALL of them hugged me. Twice. When our HR person left the zoo she made a point to track me down for a hug. I was the only person she did that to. I rarely get a handshake. No matter the situation I almost always get a hug from complete strangers. My brother said it's cause I'm short. That's ridiculous. Still, I can't explain it....and I have a feeling that those were not the last hugs i will get from complete strangers. And that keeps me awake at night. NO TOUCHING! Maybe I should have a t-shirt made that says NO TOUCHING! Sadly I don't think that would deter anyone. Maybe I'm just huggable.

What do you do with a gorilla with the hiccups?

I was cleaning out the lemur cage on Wednesday morning when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number but answered anyways. The man asked "is Michelle there?" I said "this is Michelle." He said "I have a question, what do you do for a gorilla who has the hiccups?" Not gonna lie, that kinda freaked me out. So I hung up on his crazy ass. Crazy man called back 4 times and every time I ignored it. Finally I got done with my outside stuff and came in the hospital to do a reverse phone number look up on my computer. While I was doing that I told Dr. L what happened. He said that for a gorilla with hiccups you should scare him. Like it was so obvious! Not helping! I was a little freaked out because crazy man knew my name, phone number and what I did. Creepy. About that time the hospital phone rang and it was the main office. The girls were laughing. Lisa said, "Hey! Gnarley Charley says he needs to talk to you. You won something and you won't answer your phone. He called the main zoo line and I need to transfer the call to you." "I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO HIM! I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THE RADIO!" "Well he says he needs to talk to you so answer the phone." I turn to Dr. L who is finding this to all be very amusing. "Dr. Lewis! Please talk to him! I don't want to be on the radio!" "No I can't do that." He laughs. "What did the girls in the office do to me? Why would they call a radio station and pick on me?! I thought we were friends! I am NEVER speaking to them again! I could kill them!" Now I get a text message from a number I do not know. It reads: "Hey Michelle It's Gnarley Charley from kiss country...sorry about the gorilla comment I was just trying to be funny...can you call me back?" I do and it turns out I won the Panera Bread coffee break! I had entered the contest awhile ago and actually won! He said that he and Jody Jo would be stopping by around 9:45am to bring bagels and coffee. YAY! I tell Dr. L and tell him to come with me. That's a NO. He tells me to go find Jody. She'll go with me. So that's what I do. At 9:45 we go to the main office for my prize. When they show up the whole office staff disappears! "If you are not in my picture you do NOT get a bagel!" Mayra was the only one office staffer to get a bagel and coffee. We took a picture with the radio people who were all super nice and I even shared with Shawn and Robbie even though they also ran and hid from the picture. Punks! We took the rest of the stuff to the hay barn to share with Sal who would have joined us but someone had to stay behind and work. Some people were a little squishy faced about not being included in my winnings. But what can I say? It was my prize. LOL

Favs list

Food: rum cake, pumpkin pie, ice cream (not all at once), chocolate chip cookie dough

Places: Pismo, my house, Cat Haven

People: Sister Jill, Dale, Mom, Ricky, Papa, Bee

TV shows: I Love Lucy, Law & Order, Two and a Half Men, Worlds Dumbest

Movies: All About Eve, Labyrinth, The Women (1939), Freaks, House of Wax (Vincent Price)

Shoes: Rope sandals, AstroTurf flip flops, UGGS, Sanka's

Clothes: Jeans, Bob Ross Happy Trees T-Shirt, Take Me To Your Leader T-Shirt

Things To Do: Day Trip To The Coast, Visiting Zoos & Aquariums, Watching Movies, Panting With Animals, Scrap booking

Sounds: Purring Cats, Piano & Harp  Music, Silence

Smells: Baking cookies, Cooking spaghetti sauce, roses, lavender, peppermint

Drinks: red wine, chocolate puddles, blue kamikazes, dr. pepper, hot tea

Eddie the cat

One of my absolute favorite pets that I sat for was Eddie. He was a big black cat who was in renal failure. He was having to receive SQ fluids daily and he was allowed to eat whatever he wanted. What Eddie wanted was meat flavored baby food. His mom always kept three flavors in the fridge because you just never knew what flavor Eddie would be in the mood for. And Eddie didn't just eat out of a bowl like a normal cat. He wanted you to heat up his baby food and lick it off you finger. This was not really so bad, what made it bad was Eddie's favorite time to eat was 1 am! There was NO sleeping through Eddie's demand for food. He had a very loud, piercing meow. He wouldn't meow a few times and give up. He would go on until you got up. Eddie was worth it so I'd get up, heat up his three flavors of baby food and park myself on the kitchen floor to figure out which flavor he is going to prefer. In the morning, I would go into the living room and get Eddie's special pillow that he would sit on while I administered his fluids. This is the part that astounded me. The fluid needle was by no means small but Eddie would sit there and take being stuck everyday like a champ. When I would go into the room he would come running over, jump on his pillow and instantly start purring and kneading his pillow. Eddie considered this his special "Eddie" time with his people. Where he got love and scratches until the fluid bag ran out and then some. If all it cost him was a little stick with a needle, then that was OK with him. Eddie was also unable to retract his claws so when he would walk down the hallway on the hard wood floors he would click. He LOVED to make kitty muffins (kneading). His pillow was his favorite but anything would work. I would be watching TV and here he'd come. Click, click, click down the hall. He'd get to the door and meow for permission to come in, then meow for permission to jump up with me. He'd curl up and go to work on the muffin making. I always sat with a blanket because I knew what he'd do and I wanted something between me and his nails. He would somehow end up kneading the bottom of my foot which tickled...BAD. Eddie was amazing. To this day he is the cat standard I judge all other cats by.

Live BOLDLY.
Take Risks.
Make somebody say,
"What the Hell was THAT all about?!"

Pet sitting is not for me

I like pet sitting. I've met some very cool pets. One of my first pet sitting experiences was pet sitting for three Newfoundlands. Two girls and a boy. The male was HUGE! Bushman! I'll never forget him. He was a rescue and the sweetest dog. Newfoundlands are water dogs. Bred for water rescue and it is very ingrained in them. My brother came over and went swimming once, and only once, while I was staying there and the girls thought he was drowning and jumped in to save him. He freaked out and almost drown for reals. The first night I spent with the newfies Bushman came over and put his head on the bed just out of my reach so I patted the edge of the bed for him to come closer. He did. He jumped straight up and landed right on top of me. All 250 pounds of him. My life flashed before my eyes and I thought I was dead! I was fine. The next morning I got up and ran downstairs to let the dogs out. When I hit the tile floor I skidded right into the glass door. It seems the dogs had been standing around drooling on the floor setting a kind of dog sitter booby trap. Despite that I very much enjoyed staying with those dogs.

Another memorable pet I sat for is Saddie. She was a big (very well trained) German shepherd. I always felt totally safe staying with her because you would have to be crazy to try to break in to her house. Her parents said sometimes she wasn't good with new people so they wanted to go camping for overnight and have me stay at there house to see if Saddie was ok with me. My first half hour there was uneventful. I sat on the couch reading with Saddie curled up next to me. We were sitting quietly when I heard a rustling/scratching coming from the fire place. At first I thought I was hearing things but Saddie had heard it too. We were both staring at the fire place and the noise was getting louder. "Santa?" Nope. A sparrow shot out of the fire place and went zooming around the living room. Saddie was barking her head off and the bird was shitting on everything! I managed to get Saddie locked in the bathroom and shoo the bird out the door. The next day when her owners got home they were cracking up. "That's so funny. Nothing like that has ever happened to us."
The next time I stayed with Saddie was even more eventful. I had had my wisdom teeth out the day before so I had planned on sleeping most of the time I was with her. It was about 2 am when I heard a scratching coming from outside. Saddie wanted to go investigate but being a chicken I wanted her in with me. It really sounded like someone was in the back yard so I called my dad who told me to call the cops. I did and they came right over. The officer went in the back and decided it was just a raccoon but to call him back if it continued. About 3 am There was a knock on the door. A man dressed like he was from PG&E was standing there and asked if he could get into the back yard to check the power line that was back there. I didn't see a car and refused to open the door. I told him I was going to call the officer back and he could talk to him about it. The officer came back and talked to PG&E man. Turns out other people had called the police about the noise and There was a branch on the power line in the back yard of the house I was staying at. I got dressed and let the officer and PG&E man in the back. By 4 am there was a whole crew in the back yard with chain saws removing branches and massacring the tree. I couldn't sleep through all the noise and Saddie was going nuts so we went into the spare bedroom. About 7 am the crews were still working and I decided to take Saddie out on a walk. Saddie's parents had neglected to tell me not to close myself in the spare bedroom because the door sticks and you can't get out. Thank God I had my purse in there with me and my purse had my house key in it. I must have been fun to watch, climbing out the window in my pajamas in front of all the workers (good thing I was wearing sweats to sleep in). I let myself in the front door and took Saddie on her walk. PG&E was real nice. They slaughtered the tree and left the carnage of branches all over the yard. Saddie was in heaven. "Throw the stick! Throw the stick!" Typical dog. Saddie's parents found the whole thing hysterical! "Things like this only happen when your here!" They ended up moving to Michigan which was sad. I liked Saddie and would be happy to still be sitting for her.

Pieces of Ivan

What?!

Holy Crap!

Morato art

just jokes

Two Bear Hunters

Two men went out bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little fasted and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while i go get another one!"



Purchasing a turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



For weeks, a 6 year old boy kept telling his first grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"



On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"



There was a guy who went fishing every Saturday without fail. Up before the sun was out and on the lake. This one particular Saturday it was too cold, wet and miserable even for this die hard fisherman, so he went home, undressed and climbed in bed behind his wife to cuddle. He said, "Honey the weather is just terrible out there today."
She giggled and said, "I know, and my stupid husband went fishing."



A boy was sitting in his first grade class where the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
The boy raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and mother she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them to each buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer, or there's Michael; he's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."



A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say the he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, " Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."



Rabbit Test

The LAPD, FBI and CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Tiger painting

Bee takes over

This last January I was in my own place for the first time. It was pretty lonely. I thought about getting a cat but wasn't sure I wanted the responsibility. We have a resident ferret at work and she needs to eat so I went to the pet store to buy her food. I blame Dr. Lewis for what happened next because if he wouldn't have let me go there on a Saturday this wouldn't have happened. I walked into the store and walked right into adoption day! I put my head down and walked very quickly to the back of the store where they keep the ferret stuff. I got what I needed and headed for the register. I only lifted my head for a second. Long enough to see a white ball of fluff in the top cage. I'm not sure why but I walked over and blew on her. She turned and looked at me with huge blue eyes. The lady behind me said, "would you like to hold her?" I said no but shook my head yes. She pulled the cat out of the cage and put her in my lap. There were a lot of people, dogs, kids, noise and all I could think of was how are we going to get this cat back when she bolts. She didn't. She just sat there purring. The lady said, "the paperwork only takes five minuets." I told her I was still on the clock and needed to get back to work. Then I filled out the paperwork and paid the fee. I told the lady I got off work at four and would be back to pick her up then. The lady said that they leave the pet store at three but I could pick my new cat up at her house when I got off. I agreed to that (like I had a choice) and bought some cat essentials and headed back to work wondering what the hell had just happened. I got off work and went to pick up my new room mate. She was good on the car ride home. I set up her litter box and let her out in the bathroom. She looked around and slowly walked around the house checking things out. I figured it would take her some time to settle in. I was wrong. She wasted no time taking over. Within a few days she had trained me to hand out treats whenever I opened the pantry. And that I was to make room for her wherever I was sitting. And that whatever pillow my head was on was meant to be shared. Bee decided she was my official food taster and tries to wedge herself between my fork and my face. Several months later I thought maybe she was lonely all day by herself while I was at work. So I got Bee a friend. Ende is big, orange and round. She has a big personality too. Bee wasted no time teaching her how things run in my house. Cats first then me. I don't feel too bad about that because I've talked to other cat owners and it seems to just be how things are everywhere. It's coming up on a year with Bee and NOTHING has changed. She is still the boss. I'm still servant and bringer of food. I'm ok with that.

milestone birthday

My birthday is coming up and somebody asked me, "is it a milestone birthday?" I said no. They said, "every year without a tombstone is a milestone!" Tooshay!

losing your senses

Awhile back a friend of mine was doing a school project where she had to ask people, "if you were going to lose one of your senses which one would it be and why?" She asked me that question and I thought about it. I asked her instead of which one I would be ok with losing could it be the one I didn't want to lose. She said no but just for laughs which one do I not want to lose and why? I said I would be ok with losing any of the senses as long as I could keep my sight. Not because I don't like walking into things, I do that just fine with my sight, but because I would miss seeing things. Let me explain a little. I have never touched, heard or smelled something (in a good way) that took my breath away. I have seen a whole lot of things that made me stop and stare. Completly engrossed in what was in front of me at the moment. God has an amazing color palette. Sunsets in Hawaii, butterflies in Pismo, nature and the look on someone's face when they are truly happy. I wouldn't trade seeing the way my sister looked on her wedding day. I think I would be ok without my sense of touch or hearing. I wouldn't mind never again hearing the yappy little dog from next door. I would miss my sense of taste but I would get used to it. I would seriously be forever depressed over the loss of my sight. I don't think that quite answered her question but that was my answer.

Helmet required

Ya know! God shows his love for me in some strange and sometimes painful ways. Maybe I should be wearing a helmet for THAT reason. Either way I'm thinking life requires a helmet. They should issue a helmet to everyone when your born because either your life will be that exciting or it's going to hurt. I think it's a lot of both. My helmet would be sparkly green with purple letters spelling out my name. And just for the heck of it I'd add a tiger sticker on the front and a smiley face on the back. Just to be safe I'd also like a face guard and hockey pads. Because you just never know. The more beat up your helmet the more you know God likes you and you are having a life worth writing about.

God likes me

They tell little girls that when a boy picks on you it's cause he really likes you. I'm not sure if it is, but if it is true then God REALLY likes me! Yesterday I had a migraine and needed to go to the doctor for a shot. I left work and went home to wait for my grandma to give me a ride. While I was waiting my cat Ende came over to push her way onto my lap. This is something she normally does but today she threw up all over my pants and the floor at my feet. The smell normally wouldn't have bothered me but I had a migraine so it made me sick too. I was still gagging as I was scrubbing the carpet and I thought to myself, "my cat sure doesn't chew her food very well." My grandma showed up just as I was finishing. She drove me to the doctor and still had her sunglasses on in the waiting room. When I pointed this out she told me she had just come from the eye doctor and had a laser procedure done on one of her eyes so she had to leave them on. Hmmm. I looked around the waiting room and right across the room from me was a man who was trying his best to hack up a lung. Probably his left one. What made this funny was that he was sitting under a sign that read, "cover your cough. Masks available at the front desk." He was not wearing a mask. The other person was a lady who was drooling on herself and laughing. She seemed to be having a good time. I was thinking about my sister wearing her helmet to her bachelorette party because she wanted it to be that much fun and I was wanting to start wearing a helmet daily because I wanted my life to be that much fun that a helmet was required. Turns out had I been wearing a helmet I would have fit right in here. I was waiting for my shot from 11:45-2:00. I hat the doctors office. It smells. I get my shot FINALLY! and my grandma drove me home where I passed out for the rest of the day. I felt as though God was taking time out of his day just to mess with me for his own amusement. That's when me and Denise decided that if he wasn't picking on me that would mean he didn't care. He was definitely picking on me so I must be one of his favorite people and that's a comforting thought.
Today God showed his love for me again. Denise sent me to pick up a vaccine for one of the orang kids. The vaccine was at a pediatrician's office. They have the worst parking lot ever and it's always full. It took me 10 minuets to find a space. There were two spaces open so I parked in the one that wasn't full of shattered glass. I went in and told them why I was there and the lady told me to have a seat on the bench and they would bring it right to me. 10 minuets later they brought out the vaccine and I walked to my car. Where are my keys? In my car. Door locked. God loves me. This was not the first time I had locked my keys in the car and after the last time my grandpa had hid a key up under the car so I wouldn't have to call for help and wait. I got down on the ground, in the broken glass, and began looking for my spare key. My grandpa never does anything half ass. This includes securing the key. It took me forever to get it off. I finally did and was able to open my car and get back to work. I am a great source of joy for the people around me. God picks on me because he likes me.

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Dale & Morato

families are odd

We didn't go to too many family reunions. I'm not sure why. The one I do remember was held in Yosemite. We went to that one because it was also my great grandparents 60th wedding anniversary. My great aunt was coming in from Pennsylvaina. We all had cabins to share. Everyone kinda did their own thing then we would meet up for dinner. I don't remember all of it but I do remember there was a guy no one was related to making chicken on the bbq. He would lick his finger then put it on a chicken. He kept doing that until he had touched them all then started over. We all made a mental note to not eat the chicken. Happily mom had planned on something like that and brought two ice chests. One had food and the other was full of beer (to help deal with the family :)) Me and my sister were going to go into our room but there was a kid we didn't know who wouldn't let us in. We told mom and she went to investigate. The unknown child put his arms out across the door looked up at mom and said, "You can't go in there!" "The hell I can't!" She then picked the child up by his shirt and kind of tossed him aside. She entered the room to find another unkown child making mud pies in our bathroom sink. Our cousins (they are about mom's age) came in and took our beer chest. Mom yelled at them and they brought it back in but it was too late. Mom grabbed her hair dryer and marched out onto the cabins porch that over looked the camp site. She raised the dryer up like a sword and announced to the whole camp, "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!" She went on a rant about how she didn't really like the people in attendance with the exeption of a few and how they "can just save your stamp because I'm NEVER coming to one of these EVER again!" Uncle Tom seconded that. She ended by yelling, "KIDS, GET YOUR SHIT AND GET IN THE CAR! WE ARE LEAVING RIGHT NOW!" My grandpa was sitting in the back with dad. He turned to dad and said almost in a panic, "Don't leave me Rick!" Dad said, "When Tam says it's time to go, it's time to go." And just like that we left.

Things my parents taught me

-A parents love is conditional.
-If people can hurt someone else by hurting you, they'll do it.
-Misery loves company.
-Karma is an evil bitch.
-Divorces are messy.
-You have to make yourself happy and your ex miserable.
-You can be replaced with a step child.
-Your parents will lie to you.
-Everyone is out for themselves.
-You will have good times and they will out weigh the bad.
-You can always count on the rest of your family for love and support.
-Learn early to laugh at youself and do it often...because you will fall down.
-Treasure the happy memories.
-Try to hang on to your childish enthusiasm.
-Listen to what people are saying and do what you want anyways.
-Love yourself even when it feels like no one else does because you are wrong. They do.
-When you do fall, your family will be there to laugh at you but they will also help you up.
-Jill is the coolest person you will ever know (ok. I thaught myself that one).
-Animals will keep you young.
-Camping is more fun when you can watch someone else try to put the tent up.
-The food is great and you're too fat.
-Make Disney villians your role models and you should be ok.
-Being a zoo keeper is embarassing for us and when people ask what you do, we will lie and make you seem better than you actually are.
-Appearance is everything so fake it.

Remembering mom how I want to

My mom, Tammy, had a lot of different names. To dad she was Sweet T or Hunners. To me and my brother she was mom, mother dearest, mummykins. And after she was diagnosed with cancer she became Super T. She was not perfect but she was my best friend. She was my teacher. She taught me to bake and cook edible food that people actually like. She taught me to drive a stick shift. A 1976 vw bug. She had a lot of patience. So when I magically hit the gas, break and clutch all at the same and the car jumpped 3 feet and died and my sister who was in back ended up in the front she did not yell. When I jumped out of the car and took off running, she did not laugh. She got me to get back in the car and had me keep at it till she was comfortable if she turned me lose I would not kill anyone. She reluctantly accepted my love for animals and tolerated the numerous dogs, cats, snakes, rats, fish, hampsters, frogs, bunnies and even a pot bellied pig that I brought home.
She was always put together. Her make-up, hair and nails were always done. Always dressed flawlessly. She was fun and loved to laugh (mostly at me). She was strong (tough as nails) and by no means a quitter. She had a classic Italian temper. She was a fighter. My mom. She's tough stuff. She would tell me "We just got to get through this Belle. We can fall apart later." No matter how bad things got we always found a reason to laugh...
I miss my mom.

stinging nettles

Grandpa was one of my people. He's been in heaven for awhile now but he's still one of my favorite people. I have only happy memories of Grandpa. He was a creative man who believed in hard work and child labor. Me and my sister Jill LOVED to play in the orchard. And there is nothing as good as fruit straight from the tree. It was right next to the pasture and full of friut trees. Back then it looked huge and we would be in there playing for hours and hours. Sometimes we would hide in there, and  throw apples at passing cars until one stopped, then we would run like mad to the safety of the grain silo. Somtimes we would pick all the fruit we could reach and throw that to the cows. Grandpa would come out and give us mad eyes, "you arn't picking those apples off the tree are you?" I'm sure he already knew the answer but we thought we were smart so we would lie. "No Grandpa! These were all on the ground!" Nevermind the bottom of the tree had been striped bare of all the fruit.
The only down side of playing in the orchard was it had a lot of stinging nettles. They grew in there like crazy. Grandpa had little rakes that were our size and he would tell us, "if you want to play in there you have to rake all the nettles." So with rakes in hand we would go out and spend hours (we were five) raking the nettles out of the orchard. When we were done we would have a little tea party and eat pomaganets till it got dark. We would go to Grandma itching at the end of the day. We were covered in welts that required iodine because we wern't smart enough to put on long pants. While Grandma was making sure we were sufficantly coated Grandpa would just sit there and smile. No apples were thrown at passing cars or cows and he got the orchard de-nettled for free. The man was brilliant!

this has another use

I worked for Costco for about 5 years. I didn't enjoy it. Too much people time for my taste. I did like some of the people I worked with though. Tim was a manager on the front (where the reegisters are). I was working a late shift with Tim and the front needed to be swept. I believed this task to be beneth me so when he told me to do it I pretended not to hear. Tim, being a good manager, decided to help me get past the idea I was in charge. He went to the store room and came back with a broom. I looked at him and went back to what I was doing. Tim pushed the broom in my direction and told me "I know you normally ride these to work but they do have another purpose. If you hold it like this and push, it will pick up dirt and trash and whatever. What YOU are going to do is walk all around the registers pushing this broom till I tell you to stop." I was shocked! A broom has another use?! Who knew! I still to this day can't believe it.

I'm wearing a helmet

My sister wore a helmet to her bachalorette party. She said she wanted her party to be that much fun. I decided I'm going to start wearing everyday. I want to start everyday thinking "my life is so exciting a helmet is required!" That would be good. :)

My flaws are fabulous! -Dove

Cat Haven's Great